Death.

by: Alanoud H.A.

The poem | النص

﹋﹋﹋

Death, one word can do a lot to your mind, keep thinking about it and you will see yourself in the darkest spot of life, if you are similar to me then you might not see death as an ending but as something you must have, I feel like I was preparing myself to the king of death since my first breath, I am so excited to be gone instead of being grateful to be here.

Traumatized, toxic bonds, bad people, and a million reasons why I am so corrupted.

I thought about sharing the rest of my story now, tell you about a family that feeds on my dreams, a family I can’t be safe around, a family that never was a family, or maybe should I tell you about a society that refuses to be aware of human decency, I want to share it all so I can be the only one who knows the truth but I'm sure I won't be able to escape from how pathetic I will be, when you are brave enough to talk about the things you never cause others will see you as a threat, they will use their power to shush you and keep you hidden from the world.

At a certain point of life, you will understand the universe has no home to give you, but it will generously offer you kindness and prayers to peacefully find yourself.

At the same certain point of life, you will start to believe in the greed of humans, they will destroy everything, love, happiness and even their own lives, but it won’t be enough, they will aim to destroy yours, they hate themselves too much they will make you hate your soul, and you know what? sometimes they succeed to make you feel sad, angry, hopeless, and unthankful for the life you have given.

They will help you meet depression, and let me tell you, he is not a good friend but it stays with you as one.

They will help you love death, and the last thing you know you will be fond of the idea to be gone forever, when life has so much to give you your sitting here wishing to be killed, this makes me sad even more than ever.

I hit rock bottom so many times I can't remember, the last time I did I thought it was the end, because I was face to face with my demons and one stop away from giving up to my darkness and let it swallow me.

To live the days that you lived in until now, carrying all this misery deep inside of you, you start to notice, you're not moving along, your body fuses with bad emotions, painful moments, and the years you never lived because you were on a battlefield with yourself.

One soul, holds the body parts together so they won't have a way to fall down, a body full of wounds, a mind cannot be certain, a heart can be easily deceived, and a lot of baggage stacked with you like a bad smell, you used to it for a long time and now it doesn't bother you anymore.

Let me tell you something that I know for sure, it's not easy to be forced to share your life with people have no kindness in their heart, it's not easy to be born in a country that will not take care of you because you're a woman, and even worse to live in a society that will do anything to make you fall off the edge because your unique and different from them.

It's not easy but it can be adjusted, move a little, change the point of view, help yourself to see it like you never saw it before, this time more clearly, more beautifully, and with a beating heart full of life.

People tried to know me, but they all said the same sentence, “you are so pure life has not yet got to your heart and destroy it” but this is not true, allow yourself to see it as I saw it.

I opened my arms for the sky, the wind, the birds, and the universe, it touched me, starting with my face, my eyes, my brain, my heart with the sweetest touch I ever felt before.

When I thought I was about to say goodbye to myself and be driven inside of the evil darkness, I shined bright like no star will ever do on the planet Earth, so if you're walking the path to find who you really are, know there will be a light shining from Inside out, you just have to remember to keep holding your hand and that you have yourself.

I am no different from you, I still walk every day over the same moving sands, and I know if I stopped it with consume my body, I love death as much as I love life, and this is ironic, because I felt alive just a few years ago when I found myself and I know I'm not going to lose me again ,but death, lived with me as long as I can remember.

I hold no fear from no one, but I’m terrified of living just to be dead, or that I won't be able to run when I have to, and to be stuck here till the end.

I am so terrified of not been fully healed, and the desire of death will always stick with me, it's about the way I protect myself, so well that I disconnected the universe for me, to end up having no safe place outside of my own body, I'm scared to hurt myself like that, I don't want to, not after I loved me.

I want to stop feeling miserable when I count the years that I lived, and feeling depressed on my birthdays, I don't want death to be so peaceful and living get so cruel.

- How to know it is light when your eyes can only see nothing?

- How to know it is you when you can even recognize your own reflection in the mirror?

- How to not desire death when you are rejecting life?

My mind keep asking the right questions, and I have one right answer for it.

By taking one step at a time, and with the help of the truth you will have no anger to steer it, you not be like the one who gets angry from God because of something people did, there will be only peace in your life, you will shine more, be colorful, be happy, and you’ll laugh loudly so everybody can hear you.

Except my help to tell you two facts about the existence.

ONE, life will only give you if you are excepting the given, if you don't life then you never have it, this is sad but so true, and I know it seems impossible to want live with all that's going on, but feel it, in the warmth, the kindness, and the good people around you, hold on tight to the little things that make life worth living.

SECOND, you don't need strength when you are down on your knees, you need rest and faith, taking rest is understanding that your body is not made of steel, understand that not doing anything and stare at the celling, it's part of your healing, it is necessary to keep your dreams on hold, until you’re completely healed and ready to fight.

The faith is for when you don't believe in anything anymore, even in the universe, you must not lose faith in yourself because you're all that you have.

I no longer want you to see death and life at the same time in my eyes, and I hope this will be the beginning of surviving a day without the desire of death, and then could be a week, a month, and a full year, I want to forget death until it comes to me.

I want to live, I really want to live for myself, every time I get here, I ask myself “now, tell me what you going to do?” and I respond, “we’re going to fight” yes, we, I'm not alone, my brain and blood cells, my demons and me, are ready to fight for me.

I hope you ask yourself the same question and have the same answer as mine.

Honey, I don't know your name, where you come from, and I have no idea what you’re going through, but if everything seems so hard to deal with, and you're not sure if you want live, know it's okay to feel like that, so cry and scream but don't let it get your heart, it might not seem like a nice day but it’s not a good day to visit death, that will eventually visit you, so until that day comes try your best to change the things you thought you could never change, one last time to give it all for yourself, and while you do that look around to see how many hands are there for you to help you help yourself, all you have to do is reach, because you know what! life is really worth fighting for.